George Gordon

George Gordon

What to Get David Cameron for Christmas

He’s measuring the curtains, he’s planning the colour scheme and looking at the IKEA brochures.Barring a miracle, like alien invasion, the revelation that Gordon is indeed the reincarnation of John Maynard Keynes himself, or the Sun scoop of Nick Griffin being the love child of Ken Clarke, most pundits believe that Dave will soon be in number 10 leading a Tory government.

So this Christmas will be cause for some quietly confident celebration in certain political households and knocking back the bitter booze of commiseration and certain defeat in others. What sort of Bullingdon Club boys toys would be appropriate for the soon to be crowned ones? The port will be flowing and the cheeses stinking late into the night as the cuts are planned and the privatisations discussed. But before slapping his thigh and shouting “to London Puss”, Dave should beware of getting into the pantomime spirit too much, lest he receive Christmas gifts from Baron Tebbit of Chingford.

In true panto villain tradition, such an offering could only serve to remind him of the hubris that precedes a fall under the guise of something practical, yet evoke the ghosts of Christmas past. The gift we speak of is, of course, the Thatcher nut cracker. She was the iron lady with balls of steel, which is no mean feat for a woman, but very useful when you want to break some heads (or unions for that matter) and put cabinet members’ nuts in a vice!

As a stocking filler, the Maggie Thatcher nutcracker probably ranks alongside the Black Spot in terms of popularity.Who would have thought that the lady who insisted she wasn’t for turning would turn out to be a right cracker (granted the less charitable or left-leaning might say just plain crackers).The great thing about this marvellous incarnation is that it doesn’t really matter if you loved her or loathed her. She’s still absolutely brilliant, and after all, what trembling Conservative grandee hasn’t dreamt of having his nuts crushed between the thighs of a powerful woman?